Whats the difference between a confederate and a mudsucker?
One's a disgusting, lime-eating bottom-feeder and the other one's a fish.
Whats the difference between a Fed and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking your blood at one point or another.
A rebel private is in a hospital, and he says to his wife, "Go get General Coram" because he is sick with the Torgo Virus, and he knows he is bound to die.
"Honey, you're losing your memory. Coram is the CONFEDERATE General."
"Why should I make General Farkay sick?"
How do they do the medical test for the confederate army?
2 doctors stand on each side of the recruit. One shines a flashlight in his ear. If they can see each other, YOU'RE IN!!!
A confederate who is on leave goes into a hardware store to buy a chainsaw. He says to the manager, "I've got ten big trees in my font lawn, and I need a chainsaw that can cut all of them down in an hour." So the attendant sells him one.
The next day, the fed walks in and says, "HEY! You cheated me! This piece of junk only cut down 1 little tree in an hour!" So the guy takes it, and starts it up to see if there was any problems with the chain. But suddenly, the fed says, "HEY! TURN IT OFF!" So the guy does, and the confederate says, "What was all that noise for?"
Why don't they have cofee breaks on fed ships?
They don't have time to re-train them again.
Tow feds are in a doctor's office. One of them is crying, and badly. The other fed says, "Why are you crying? You're representing all of us fed's, you know."
"Because... Because... Because I came here for a blood exam and (sniffle, sniffle) they had to cut my pinky! It got all red! And it hurts! I want mommy!" Then, the second fed starts crying too.
"Why are YOU (sniffle, sniffle) crying?"
"I'm (he wipes some tears from his eyes) here for a urine test!
How do you know when a fed has been using your ship?
There's eraser marks on the screen.
The UGE ship for Palshife leaves at 12:30, the ship for Alkaid leaves at 2:00, and the ship for Sol leaves when the big hand is on the 9 and the little hand is on the 5.
How do you make a fed's eyes get red?
Stick a laserpointer in his ear.
Two feds walk into the BUNKER and call a round of drinks for everybody. They're really exited, so the barkeep says, "What's the occasion?"
"We just finished a puzzle in three months!" says one fed.
"That's not a very short time, 'ye know."
The other fed replies, "Oh, ignore him. He's just a stupid bartender. WE are scientists. On the box it said "2 to 4 years!"
An old confederate man is crying on the road. a woman comes buy and says, "Why are you crying?"
"I'm married to a really hot 22-year old woman."
"What's so bad about that?"
"I forgot where I live!!!"
And... The grand finale...
In the middle of this post, I start doing a ventriloquist act (remember, this is a joke, it didn't really happen), but then a fed stads up and says, "hey! Cut it out! You've been making rude confederate jokes this whole time!"
So I say, "Calm down. they're only jokes."
"I ain't talking to you! I'm talking to that funny man on your left knee!
