...The others ran over to him in shock, he was in a dead faint.
Krathe grabbed the binoculars and looked in the direction that Mecroth had, the dark structure was now obscured by mist, as was anything that Mecroth may have seen. He slammed the binoculars down,

“I dont see nothin’” he said bluntly.

“Krathe, get over here and give us a hand!” exclaimed Jason, sounding desperate. He and Cryo were now picking Mecroth up off the ground.

“We need to get him to that building fast, the ship wont be enough shelter!” he had to yell over the building wind.

“Get all the supplies you can, we’re moving out!”

The crew of the Fallen Angel trecked across the snow, through the vicious storm to the possible shelter up ahead. The ground was covered in a thick layer of new snow, brought down by the blizzard. The ice stung their faces and the cold bit through their uniforms, the cold of the outide, but also an inner chill, that they all felt. Darkness was falling, overheadblack clouds blocked the little light that had broken through the clouds.
The tired crew could no longer see more than a few feet ahead of them and they could only pray that they were headed in the right direction. They walked for what seemed like hours, but no one was sure, but they saw or found nothing except snow, and more snow. Finally, at the end of his strength, Krathe collapsed. Jason turned and ran to Krathe, but Cryo stayed where she was. For a moment, the snow no longer obscured her vision, and she saw no more than a hundred feet away what they had been looking for. But in a way it was not, it was huge, nowhere near the size that they had thought, but hundreds of times larger. It was definitly not a human, or even human like building, but it was definitly shelter.

“I can see the building!” yelled Cryo over the howling wind,

“Its huge, but its close, we have to get there!”

Jason now held Krathe by the arms, and was dragging him through the snow, but as Cryo spoke, he turned, a sudden glimmer of hope in his eyes.

“Lead the way!” he yelled, trying to seem cheerful but he could not hide the slight anxiety in his voice. They walked dragging their comrades and at last found themselves in front of the vast black structure. In front of Jason a door slid open, revealing a dimly lit hallway. It was made up of pentagon shaped rings of metal with large pipes in between. Along the pipes were dim green lights that dimly lit the passage. It did not seem so much a hallway than a some sort of air duct or ventillation shaft. They travelled down the hallway into the misty beyond...

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 04-18-2003).)

(This message has been edited by Salrillian (edited 04-22-2003).)

Good. Short. Needs more detail. Exciting. Can't wait to see what happens next.

As you can see, both my comment and your story need some fleshing out. Just as you can likely tell what I ment from those few words above, we can tell what happens in your story, but It would be much better if it was a little more detailed. Detail is something that may come naturaly in time, At least it did for me... just don't go overkill with the detail, either, as in 'Bob steped forward 0.25 meters to the north and 2 centimeters to the left, placing his foot at a 5 degree incline on the asphalt, which was about ten years old, badly cracked and weathered. This was becuase a large number of deisel powered trucks, with many wheels, came by this way.'
Heh. It's probly pretty hard to over detail though

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Programming is an art form that fights back.
- Unknown

Where do you want to (url="http://"http://www.macclassics.com/cythera/tricks/rJade.htm")teleport(/url) today?

I need to work on scenes like walking, that are supposed to take I while, but I cant seem to get them to take anymore than two sentences.

Quote

They walked dragging their comrades and at last found themselves in front of the vast black structure.

This is supposed to be a long and somewhat unpleasent experience, as dragging someone through a blizzard in sub-zero tempertures would be, but Im unable to convey that. Any suggestions? I could use some help.

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"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are not even capable of forming such opinions."
Albert Einstein

Quote

Originally posted by Salrillian:
I need to work on scenes like walking, that are supposed to take I while

It's hard to draw out walking. Just throw in some descriptive words - freezing, icebound, whatever - and maybe an event or two on the way. Maybe some coversation.

------------------
Programming is an art form that fights back.
- Unknown

Where do you want to (url="http://"http://www.macclassics.com/cythera/tricks/rJade.htm")teleport(/url) today?

Quote

Originally posted by Salrillian:
**
They walked dragging their comrades and at last found themselves in front of the vast black structure.
**

How about something like...

_They trudged, dragging their comrades through the freezing snow. Krathe and Mecroth seemed to become more and more of a burden, each step a sharp, horrible pain. The snow had melted on their bodies and managed to move down into their shoes. Their toes felt numb but the painful, biting cold remained. Jason tried to say something encouraging, but couldn't find the strength to speak, and ended up coughing sickly. They were both losing strength fast. By that rate, they would never make it to any kind of shelter, destined to die in a dark, freezing wasteland.

It was at that moment, just as both Cryo and Jason were about to give up all hope, they found themselves standing in front of a vast black structure. They had made it to the shelter. _

Yes, I know I can be a little over-dramatic, but that's how I like to be.

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(url="http://"http://www.usi-rpg.com")www.usi-rpg.com(/url)
Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.

(This message has been edited by Spaceiscold (edited 04-22-2003).)

Quote

Originally posted by Spaceiscold:
**
Yes, I know I can be a little over-dramatic, but that's how I like to be.:p

**

I like it and the main story so far. Just because I don't post often, doesn't mean I don't like to read all the plots and action. Keep up the good work!

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It doesn't seem like these boards are too busy. I suppose I shall submit my newest story, in due time of course.

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(url="http://"http://www.usi-rpg.com")www.usi-rpg.com(/url)
Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.