Xorion raised his arm to knock on the pale blue crystal doorway in the long arched hallway. He stopped and examined it. The door was made of an opaque crystal, intricately carved and decorated with leaves and vines. Near the center of the door was a carving of a small boy, an Elven child. The vines circled him, protecting him; yet to Xorion they seemed to cage him. The vines were holding him back. Xorion blinked and knocked lightly, afraid he would damage this beautiful door.

The door opened of its own accord, pushing itself inward. A slight breeze hit Xorion’s face, ruffling his silver hair. Beyond the door was a dimly lit chamber in which stood a thin Elven woman, Eraphel, the Queen. The walls of the room were painted in murals of heroic Elves. Eraphel stood near a scene of war. Her golden hair flowed down her shoulders and back, stopping just inches before the floor. She wore a white dress, trimmed with pale blue. To Xorion, she was beautiful, yet somewhat reserved. There was nothing about her that was extreme, nothing sudden or unexpected. It was this quality that made her seem so ancient, though she looked young.

A faint smile played across Eraphel’s lips as she gazed into Xorion’s blue eyes. Her eyes, a deep gray, were subtly searching him. Her lips parted and she smiled.
“Xorion,” she said.

“What is it your majesty wishes?” Xorion asked. This was the second time in his 20 years of life that he had been summoned here.

“I wish.. I wish for many things, Xorion. And that is why you have been summoned,” she said. There was a pause in which Eraphel’s smile faded, and she grew thoughtful.

“I am old, Xorion. Far older than you, or any of the other Elves,” she said at last, “I have seen many Elves be born, and then die. I have lived through much. It seems to me that I have been queen all of my life, and that it shall never change”

“What are you saying?” Xorion asked, somewhat lost.

“That I cannot be queen forever, indeed I have been queen longer than I should have been,” and her eyes grew troubled, sad.

“You are the greatest queen we have ever known. The people look up to you, they love you,” Xorion said.

“My time is fading. I will not be here forever,” she said as she looked gravely at Xorion. She continued, “I had a daughter. She was to take my place long ago,” Eraphel said, and a tear rolled down her fair cheek. Xorion’s eyes followed the tear. He had never seen the queen cry.

“She was kidnapped, and we have not heard from her since,” Xorion said, his eyes returning to hers.

“But she is not dead,” Eraphel said, and she smiled, “Indeed, she shall return soon. But it will not be a happy occasion, for she will bring dire news. Xorion, be prepared. There is a new evil in the world,”

“How.. how do you know all of this?” Xorion asked, somewhat amazed.

“That is unimportant. Xorion, when she comes, you must be ready, for she will need friends who she can trust for the times ahead. You must be with her when she leaves again,” Eraphel said.

“If she is going to leave so soon after getting here, then who will be your heir, should she never return?”

“That remains to be seen. I have much to think about, and not much time,” there was a pause after she said this, then Xorion spoke up.

“Then shall I go and get my gear ready?” Xorion asked. He usually accepted what his superiors said as wise, and did not question them too much.

“There is one other thing. Tell a friend of what I have revealed to you, a friend you would trust with your life, for this friend will accompany you as you travel with my daughter”

Xorion nodded, and walked back to the door. At the door he stopped, and looked back to see Eraphel was still looking at him.

“Yes, Xorion?” she asked.

“I have a question. Why did you cry when you spoke of your daughter?”

Eraphel turned her gaze upward, and it seemed that though her body was in the room with Xorion, her mind was far off.

“I cry for the burden she, and those close to her, must bear. I cry because I know that I am in some way responsible.. though I know not how. All will become clear soon enough,” and she turned away from him and placed her hand on the mural, gently caressing the face of an Elven knight. She looked at Xorion, and then whispered something inaudible. The wall shifted and she disappeared, the same faint smile from before playing across her lips.

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 03-15-2002).)

Okay, my first impression here is that you are trying to create a sentimental scene, no? If so remember that people cannot identify with, and thus sympathize with, complete strangers, which is what these two elves are right now. Xorion to us is simply a twenty-year old elf, and Eraphel is simply a strangely beautiful elven queen.

They need more dimensions. What do they look like? You begin to tell us when you describe Eraphel's beauty, but you give just a vague description of Xorion's feelings and a sense of mellowness. Describe her features, maybe the shape of her face, minor stuff like that that lets you see a character more clearly. Xorion needs some of this too.

Also, how do they feel? We know Eraphel is sad that her daughter is gone, but what else is there to her? And we know that Xorion is slightly scared of being summoned to his queen, but what does he think of her other than that she is beautiful?

You picked a fairly hard mood to accomplish : grief and wonder. Your dialogue is great to the scene, and all that's left is making the characters both believable and realistic. Good job, Lorenoth!

------------------
"I believe in the sun, even when it is night. I believe in love, even when I do not feel it. And I believe in God, even when he does not reveal his prescence."
-A survivor of the Holocaust

(edited because I can't spell-check)

(This message has been edited by Celchu (edited 03-15-2002).)

Hm. Looks like Celchu beat me to it again.

Lorenoth, I agree with everthing that Celchu has said. Basically, you have a very interesting scene, with great dialogue, but unfortunately, your characters seem to be single dimensional. Just flesh them out a bt, possibly in a prologue type scene, or in a personal reverie, and the story will shine.

-Andiyar

------------------
"Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"

This is great. Very good writing.

------------------
The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42.

wow.. this is kinda old
Well, you get to know the characters a lot more as the story goes on, and Eraphel's sadness becomes more explainable. Yeah Xorion just doesn't have a personality, he's kinda a flat character, not the main character yet. I've written the entire story by now, 70 pages.. so this might not be the best place to put it.
If you want to read the entire thing I'll email it to you, just email me a request @
wingedproclaiming@yahoo.com

I'll send it as a microsoft word file or appleworks, your preference.

------------------
"What dragon?"