Quote
Originally posted by BlueFlameX:
**Steel looked back over his shoulder. The burning forest was behind him.
"Let's go, Ceron," he said to his horse.
The horse walked slowly away from the burning forest. A drop of rain landed on Steel's head. It began to pour down hard. Ceron rushed away from the world he and Steel had left behind. The wind howled. Up ahead he could see a dark figure. huddled by the road.
"Whats that?" Steel asked himself.
Ceron walked towards the shape. The shape slowly got up.
"Who's there?" asked Steel.
As mysteriously as it appeared, it vanished without a trace. Steel and Ceron continued on through the rainy night.
**
Normally I wouldn't quote an entire Chronicle, but due to the length of this one, I thought I'd make an exception.
First off, let me welcome you to the elite few ( ;)) who posses a Chronicles submission upon this board. It's good to see that our numbers are growing, and will hopefully continue to grow, especially as Coldstone becomes closer and closer to release, and of course afterwards.
Now, unofficially, I'm the guy who tends to take people's stories apart, find out what makes them tick, puts them back together and offers people suggestions and advice on how to improve or alter their style to make their stories better. I don't claim to be an expert at this, but it's a role I've found that I fulfull reasonably well. Now under normal circumstances, I'd do the same for your Chronicle, but unfortunately it's just a bit too short for me to work with.
The only advice I've got here is detail, detail, detail! Details are what makes a story live and breathe, and the more you have, naturally, the more 'alive' it will seem. However, be careful! Too many details and you'll lose the reader. It is necessary to strike a balance between interest and detail.
In your story, you've got the 'usual suspects' for a fantasy game; protagonist, his trusty companion/transportation and the mysterious stranger. Basically, all you need to do in my opinion is to just lengthen your story. As far as it goes, you've done a reasonable job. However, there is just a bit of what Celchu and I have taken to calling 'all of a sudden' syndrome, where the characters and story jump around a bit without any easily distinguishable borders. This is seen in your story where Steel is riding Ceron away from the burning forest, where he suddenly sees a dark figure down the road. I would do an example 'rewrite' for you, but I'm afraid that there isn't enough for me to work with, without possibly encroaching too far oin your tale.
All I can say is add detail. With time and a bit of work, this kernel of a story could become very good. All it needs is a bit a work, and a lot of detail! 
As always, I am sorry if I have offended you by replying as I have. Feel free to take the issue up with me at andiyar@mac.com, and once again, welcome to the Chronicles board!
You know... this post is longer then the chronicle... I've got to stop doing that... 
-Andiyar
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"Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"
