Here's the beginning of what might be my game. Friendly criticism appreciated.

It brought him great happiness and joy to see his home town again; grief and sorrow followed close behind. Most of this peaceful village was burnt to the ground. It seemed as if all that was left of his fair home was nothing more than a charred pile of wood. Much of the surrounding forest had suffered a similar fate. The once-bustling city of Zeltzer would remain as no more than a forgotten memory.

He stood there for a while, taking it in. For hours at a time, he would walk up and down the abandoned streets of this once-prosperous city, reflecting on his childhood memories. His train of thought was abruptly interrupted. Clouds covered the sky and began to pelt him with minuscule water droplets. Jadesch was forced to retreat to the cover of a forge outside of town.

It was the only building that managed to evade the flames. After he made his way inside, Jadesch discovered that the building was abandoned. After surveying the forge he discovered a valuable dagger. The blade was made of iron and the handle was adorned with gold and silver. This would be essential, seeing as how his captors were searching for him at that very moment.

Taking the dagger and sheathing it in his belt, Jadesch set foot for the city of New Phoenix. As he left the city of Zeltzer behind, he took a brief moment to look at his city. Jadesch vowed to destroy the dragon that had pillaged Zeltzer, and with that he departed for the city of New Phoenix.

Armed with nothing more than a dagger and the last memory of his father, Jadesch journeyed past the charcoaled woods. Many days took place before he finally reached his destination. What he saw there made his blood run cold.
It appeared to be a large troll tormenting the local militia with a pole axe. They were unable to fend off the huge beast. The young page watched on in horror as the city defenders parished one at a time. At last the guardians are beaten back.
“Daddy, Daddy. Wake up! You’ve got to.”

The creature looked to see a small helpless boy. A devilish grin crept up upon the giant’s face. The fear inside Jadesch immediately turned to anger. He reached into his shirt and pulled out a blue necklace. As he held it forward a surge of icy power shot forth and swiftly started towards the troll. The monster, startled, rotated his massive skull to face the offending youth.

It was too late though, the frosty blast had crept up to the troll and encased him in a cold prison for the remainder of this creature’s short life. Jadesch was turned hero, but it wouldn’t last.

If only he knew: If only Jadesch was aware that his enslavers would not remain in the dark forever. They would eventually find him. His crimes would eventually catch up with him. His life as a fugitive had only just begun, and it wasn’t about to end anytime soon. If only this boy knew that the country of Layron would be thrown into revolt. If only he knew that he would be thrown into a whole new world.

The chaos had yet to begin.

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 10-16-2001).)

I really liked the plot and how the main character gets to be the bad guy and everything. I was just kinda confused about how it all worked until the very end. You might just wanna edit up the story a little and put some information in different spots. It's like playing a game that you don't understand until you win or lose the first time.One thing that you should know is that a person should always be able to comprehend the rough basics of your writing the first time. Ofcourse it's impossible to completely decipher the meaning of a work of art at the first glance, but you should just try to make it go in order. Try to introduce why things were happening before they happened. You would have the affect, and then have the cause written down as a minor detail of a sentence that came a few lines later. Not trying to be offensive at all. I'm just tryin' to help a little. Other than all of that, it is a very creative story and I like your ideas. I'm looking forward to playing your game if you decide to make it.

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Here's a bit of constructive criticism, and some compliments.

Firstly the compliments. You've introduced an interesting character, you've provided the audience with some hints about both background and future, and you've given us some detail about his personality. However, whilst I read the story, I must confess that in several places I became rather confused with where it was going.

For example, the beginning of the story where Jadesch is wandering around Zeltzer, and reliving the past. The only problem I really had with most of this section was the way that much of the story seemed a bit hodge-podge, if you know what I mean. You've got some good ideas here, but they just need to flow a bit smoother, making the story more continuous.

The discovery of the dagger here, I felt, was a little to precipitous. The idea of the rainstorm driving him into the forge is a good one, but I think this needs to be developed a bit more, maybe having him spend the night, etc. Just a few more details than

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After surveying the forge he discovered a valuable dagger.

While in itself there is nothing wrong with this statement, it is just a bit too sudden. You need to lead up to it a bit more.

In the next few lines I became rather lost. First Jadesch had been alone, grieving for his city/town's demise, the next we learn he is on the run from unknown adversaries, and is swearing revenge against dragons. Again, the ideas here a good, but you seem to have just rushed them in a bit. Space them out, add more detail. Here's what I mean:

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Originally taken from the story:
Taking the dagger and sheathing it in his belt, Jadesch set foot for the city of New Phoenix. As he left the city of Zeltzer behind, he took a brief moment to look at his city. Jadesch vowed to destroy the dragon that had pillaged Zeltzer, and with that he departed for the city of New Phoenix.

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The same section rewritten (my way, sorry!):
_Jadesch glanced outside and noticed the rain had stopped. Shouldering his pack, he ducked out of the forge and began to walk along the road, passing through the town of his birth for the last time. When he reached the last row of charred and blackened buildings, he turned and swept his gaze back over his childhood home. He gripped the hilt of the dagger hanging on his belt, and swore to himself that he would revenge himself on whoever had destroyed his home and killed his friends, no matter who or what they were. He would not rest until they had paid for what they had done.

Turning once more, he released the hilt and began to stride purposefully forward. Ahead of him the Ner'gakor mountains gleamed white in the morning sun, and he followed the High Road towards the pass leading to New Phoenix. Surely there someone would know what had occurred here at Zeltzer, and would be able to help him in his quest for vengeance._

As you can see, the major difference between your work and mine here is the depth. I have attempted here to provide a bit more detail about the scene then you did originally. I hope you don't take it the wrong way, but I was merely trying to demonstrate what I meant.

Basically, what I've already said also applies to the rest of the story. When Jadesch is traveling through the woods, you need to make the readers see the woods, and actually feel as if they were there too. Also, with the fight with the monster, I was stuck with another of those "what's happening" feelings. The main problem I had here was that it was 'all of a sudden' and didn't gradually build up. Some hints that he was wary of monsters whilst traveling through the forest, and then hearing people scream and the troll roar would have helped to set the atmosphere.

Also, when the boy cries out it might have been better if it were said something like this.

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Jadesch heard a pitiful wail, and saw a small boy running from the bushes at the side of the road to one of the militiamen. The boy fell to his knees, sobbing, and tugging at the soldier’s arm. "Daddy, daddy! Wake up! You've got to!

Next, during the 'fight scene' more detail is again needed. It's another 'all of a sudden' moment, and whilst this can work, you might just need to work on it a bit, especially upon what happens to Jadesch after he saves the little boy.

Sorry both for the length of this post and the way that I seemed to hack your story apart, spitfire. Overall I believe that your basic ideas are good, but you need to add more depth and detail to writing about them. If I've managed to upset you, or possibly interest you, email me at andiyar@andiyar.8m.com. I'd be happy to respond to comments, or to provide advice if you want any!

BTW.... This could make a good game.....

-Andiyar

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"Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"

Thanks for doing the dirty work for me, Andiyar. Spitfire, I can do little more than reiterate what he has already said. Add more detail to everything, especially the main character's reaction to his home town's destruction and the fight with the troll. Remember, don't tell, show. I'm eagarly awaiting version 2.

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We tell stories of heroes to remind ourselves that we too can be great.

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Originally posted by Celchu:
**I'm eagarly awaiting version 2.:)
**

I'm working on it.

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V-16 Twin Bombers: $8,000,000
1 Aircraft Carrier: $4,000,000,000,000
Battlecruiser loaded with marines: $8,000,000,000,000
The look on Bin Ladin's face when we get him: Priceless...

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Originally posted by Celchu:
Thanks for doing the dirty work for me, Andiyar.

You're welcome.

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Originally posted by spitfire:
**I'm working on it

**

Excellent. I'm really looking foward to seeing how this one turns out. Keep on writing, spitfire!

-Andiyar

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"Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"