Critical Hit is easy. I'm really not interested in entering the contest, but I'll tell you how to do it:
Outfit 128: Dummy weapon outfit
onBuy: G129 G130 G131 G132 G133
onSell: D129 D130 D131 D132 D133
Outfits 129-133: The real weapons. All have the same graphic, sound, homing behavior, etc., but with different damage ratings. Set them to have large reload values (5 times what you want the final weapon's reload to have). For a further random effect, set them to have high inaccuracies.
Quite simple, really.
------------------
Here a slice, there a slice,
everywhere a slice slice.