"Just in case! Just in bloody case! That's what the lifeboats on the Titanic were for! Just in case!" DZ screams, diving into the acid pool. "Help, help, I'm drowning!"

Then he climbs out, straightens his Acme ™ Acid Proof Tux ™, and sits at the bar. He picks up a spoon and bends it, using pure psychic energy.

EDIT: DZ gets bored and makes a little hobbit, then throws the little hobbit into the acid pool, and listens to it scream. Then he makes another, and tells it that there are little chihuahuas chasing it. It starts running around the bar, bumping in to things. Then DZ makes a real chihuahua, who for some reason thinks the hobbit is a lizard. It chases the hobbit, chanting "Heeeeeere lizard, lizard," incessantly.

Then DZ makes a Super-Duper Deluxe Hyper Transgendermutatable Bartending Robot ™ to fill in for the bartender. DZ names him/it/she Bob.
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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy... and then he dies.

EDIT: 500th post for the Albatross, in case anyone cares...

(This message has been edited by double_zero (edited 06-05-2003).)

(This message has been edited by double_zero (edited 06-05-2003).)

(This message has been edited by double_zero (edited 06-06-2003).)

I'm going to be gone for about 2 weeks, but then I'll be posting here more regularly.

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All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king.
—J. R. R. Tolkien
(url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/search.cgi?action=intro&default;=26")The Search Feature(/url)

DZ announces that he will be leaving in 2 days, 3 hours, 9 minutes, and 42 seconds, to go hunt elephants in michigan.

Then he shoots the little hobbit with a tachyon LAYZER, and kicks the ankle-biter dog into the acid pit so that it turns into a zombie chihuahua. DZ takes some random old lady's credit card and buys four thousand pounds of chacolate and a coca-cola classic. He dumps the chocolate in an empty pool and liquefys it with the LAYZER. "Anybody for a swim?" he asks as he tosses a couple hobbits in.

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy... and then he dies.

Zurg watches DZ entertain himself from the dark shadows of his hooded face. Turning back to the bar he takes a slow sip of his saalian brandy. His thirst momentarily satisfied, he rotates the glass in this calloused and greasy hands, gazing into the reflections of the crowded bar. Returning the glass to the ring of moister it left on the polished metal, he glances over at the bartender and motions for him to refill his glass. The bartender does so, but as he reaches glass, Zurg stops his hand with a sharp motion. Without looking up, Zurg speaks in a quiet, intimidating voice, "I need some information. If you value your life or this bar, you will tell me what i want."
At first the bartender jumps back, but when he hears Zurg speak he responds in a scared tone,"What do you need?"
Zurg looks up, but his face remains hidden in shadows,"I need an access code."
"To what?"
"A UE starship", Zurg sends glances in both directions before continuing,"the UES Gryphon."
The bartender falls silent, then looks around fearfully, "I know nothing of this ship."
Zurg stands up, straightening his cloak, placing a few credits on the bar and picking up his gun. As he turns from the bar he motions for the bartender to follow then strides silently to the back of the room.

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" Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. "

• Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

(This message has been edited by Zurg (edited 06-06-2003).)

DZ tires of his hobbits and his chocolate pool, and then he notices Zurg walking off with his bartending robot. He gets a mischievious grin on his face and pulls a little control pad out of his pocket. He turns it on and watches through Bob's (That's the robot.) eyes as Zurg leads it into the back room.

"The code. What is it?" Zurg demands.
"Code for what?"
"The Fed ship."
"What Fed ship? I don't know the access codes to any fed ships!"
"The UES Gryphon."
"Oh THAT Fed ship," Bob says, as DZ takes control of it. "The code is this: (12345)... Exactly that way."

DZ replaces the controller in his pocket and remains deadpan as the Bob and Zurg walk out of the back room.

EDIT: OOC: Two days exactly!
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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy... and then he dies.

(This message has been edited by double_zero (edited 06-06-2003).)

(This message has been edited by double_zero (edited 06-06-2003).)

OCC: no, i didnt walk off with your bartending robot. I was talking to one of the human bartenders. If you read my post you would have seen that the bartender had emotions and couldnt be a machine. Oh and btw, my name is not from starcraft, it is from toy story, so i know little about the Protoss and Zerg.
sry for the brief off-topic.

Zurg reaches a shadowy table and takes a seat casting wary looks back out at the bar. The bartender follows quietly then meekly joins Zurg at the table. Zurg raises his head, the dim light of the lamp overhead casting a soft glow across the lower half of his face. In his raspy, cold voice, Zurg returns to questioning the man.
"I need those access codes."
"I dont know what you are talking about."
Without raising his voice Zurg responds in an even colder tone, "Yes you do. I know you well. You served as a docking commander on that ship. You had worked you way up the ranks over twenty-three years of service. You served as the docking commander for two more years before retiring and opening this bar. I know almost everything about you and your life. You cannot lie to me."
The bartender becomes petrified as Zurg speaks and barely forms the words in a response, "Wha? How do you? How did you find this out?"
"That is a long story, but let us return to the point, what are the docking access codes?"
The bartender gives in with a sigh and says in a trembling voice, "Follow me." He stands up slowly, and repeats, "Follow me..."

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" Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. "

• Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

(This message has been edited by Zurg (edited 06-06-2003).)

OOC: Ok, sorry about the name. I was wondering why it was spelled different. Anyway though, there are no human bartenders. Only Bob. Unless D hired some and never told anyone...

DZ looks at Zurg peculiarly. "I know you from somewhere..." he muses. "Oh! I know. You're that purple guy with no legs! What kind of moron makes an action figure with a bloody skirt?!?!?" He begins laughing uncotrollably, then he orders the Zurg Conversion Kit ™ for Bob, so that Bob will have no legs.

OOC EDIT: You think robots have no emotions? Racist...

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy... and then he dies.

(This message has been edited by double_zero (edited 06-06-2003).)

At remark of this, DY4 takes the bartender by the neck, and walks over to the airlock. He opens it, shoves the bartender through it, pulls out a phase pistol, and shots the bartender. He never reincarnates. DY4 activates a cloak to exit, and leaves behind a note. It says:
_You just don't get it, do you? pp law states that anything inside the bar reincarnates. If something isn't inside the bar, it's fair game. Please, only use this if you really want to.:D _
DY4 and the bartender are never heard from again.

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iMac, iBook, iPod, iTunes, iMove, iPhoto, iDVD.
Got i?
This post is brought to you by: Doesn't Everybody? ™

(This message has been edited by DY4 (edited 06-06-2003).)

After finding a joke on (url="http://"http://www.evula.com")www.evula.com(/url) Paranoid retells it in the only place where he won't be tarred and feathered.

Quote

GM and Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch himself) stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

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"What if to reach the highest place you had to fall?"
Peter Mayer

What if the starship industry had kept up with microsoft? I'd never be able to pirate anyone because my airlock would only be compatible with 5% of ships...

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy... and then he dies.

A strange person quickly runs in, steals a drink, and runs out

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Oh i'm not addicted, it's a hobby

Just before the door slams shut after the strange person, DZ sends the zombie chihuahua after them. It latches onto them, then drags them to the ground and holds them there. (It's pissed off now, so it's all green and big like the hulk.)

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy... and then he dies.

The strange figure announces himself as OV. No one remembers him though so te chihahua mames him

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Oh i'm not addicted, it's a hobby

DZ announces that he is leaving to go hunt camels in michigan, and walks out the door.

He hops in his red and black Warship and takes off.

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy... and then he dies.

Paranoid considers telling more jokes but decides he wouldn't want to offend anyone. She analyzes new bar members instead.

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"What if to reach the highest place you had to fall?"
Peter Mayer

DZ walks back into the bar, and announces that he forgot something. He blows the zombie chihuahua to bits, and steals a case of LiveWire Mountain Dew from the bar. Then he leaves again.

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy... and then he dies.

OV gets up bleeding from his chihuahua wounds and gets an energy drink to recover

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Oh i'm not addicted, it's a hobby

Zurg follows the fearful bartender to a backroom accessed through a doorway behind the bar. The bartender shuffles along quietly looking back over his shoulder with scared eyes. Walking close behind him, Zurg's cloaks flow ominously about his feet. Finally the pair reach a set of file drawers near the far corner of the dim, musty storeroom. The bartender reaches down and opens a grimy drawer labelled "Drink Mixes A-C". Searching briefly through the neat rows of black data cards he pulls out an unlabelled one and hands it quickly to Zurg. Taking the data card in his gloved hand, Zurg inspects it for a second before throwing it sharply to the floor. The frightened bartender watches the data card clatter across the cement floor his fear now magnified. As the disk came to a stop and fell silent, Zurg bursts out and grabs the bartender by his neck, pinning him to the file drawers.
"That is not the right one," he said in a soft but cold and menacing voice,"You fool, do not play games with me. Give me the data card!"
Releasing his iron grip and shoving the trembling man backwards Zurg steps backwards waiting for the bartender to comply. The bartender tumbles down gasping for air before finally collecting himself and rising to his feet. Reaching for another drawer he searches through it and selects another unmarked data card. Offering it to his cloaked tormenter he fell back to the floor still searching for air. Zurg took the card quickly and stowed it inside his robes. Straightening up so that he seemed grow in sized he gazed down at the pitiful bartender. Laughing silently, he let his hood drop to his shoulder. The bartender stopped breathing once again and looked as if he had seen a ghost. Zurg reached back into his robes and pulled out a blaze pistol and lowered it at the fallen bartender. As he squeezed the trigger Zurg muttered the words, "I can have no witnesses." The last thing the bartender saw before life flashed from his body was the wicked smile of satisfied revenge spread across Zurg's face.

Edit: general typos and slipping into past tense.

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" Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one. "

• Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

(This message has been edited by Zurg (edited 06-09-2003).)

Cresent walks into the bar, quite insulted that apparently nobody missed her. She reads the previous posts and starts laughing.

Quote

Originally posted by Paranoid:
**Paranoid considers telling more jokes but decides he wouldn't want to offend anyone. She analyzes new bar members instead.

**

So are you a he, a she, or both Paranoid? Haha.

Cresent adopts the chihuahua and teaches it to roll over and bribes it to not bite her. Then she notices Zurg is back so she waves and says,"Hi Zurg!" Tired and wondering why she is in such a strange mood, Cresent sits down and gets a Vanilla Coke.

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To err is human.
To err and blame it on someone else, is even more human.

Frodo controls the wraiths with the ring and makes the wraiths kill Cresent. Then Frodo orders a White Cream Soda and starts insulting Vanilla Coke. Suddenly the bar splits into two sides, one for VC and one for WCS. A brutal fight starts with Frodo and the Yoshi clones and the Nazgul on one side, and everbody else on the other side.

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One ring to rule them all, One ring
to find them, One ring to bring
them all and in the darkness bind
them