The last thing I remember before waking up here was a bowling ball sailing toward my face in slow motion. Somewhere in the foggy background of my mind’s eye I can see my friend, Dave, laughing. What a joker.

My face is so numb that if it weren’t for the nose hovering between my eyes I would swear that I had no head. I reach up and gently stroke my cheek. Yup -- it’s still there.

I feebly lift my head and instantly regret it. A spike of agony impales me from my shoulder to my butt, and I slump back, exhausted. All I can see before me are ceiling tiles.

“He’s awake,” says a voice. I can’t place the sex: the speaker is either a very masculine woman or a very effeminite man.

“Excellent,” replies another -- most certainly a woman, by the light, airy tone of the voice. French accent -- Parisian, to be precise. If I were to guess I’d say she grew up in the Eleventh Arrondisement.

My view of the ceiling tiles is suddenly interrupted by the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen. Oval with a lightly tanned complexion, a long thin nose framed by clear hazel eyes framed by perfectly arched, brown eyebrows. Definitely Eleventh Arrondisement.

“Do you know where you are?” she asks softly. Her breath reminds me of lavender.

I say nothing; I imagine the question is rhetorical, considering the circumstances.

“You are at the Goodchild Clinic,” she says. “Do you know your name?”

“Brunswick,” I reply. I can barely enunciate, suddenly aware that I don’t know where my gums end and my teeth begin. I feel strangely embarrassed.

The woman suddenly disappears from view and I hear shuffling from across the room. A moment later she reappears.

“Brunswick? Are you certain?” she asks.

“I -- dunno,” I reply. I find it difficult to speak. I close my eyes.

“He’s passing out,” says the woman. From across the room I hear shuffling again, but it is soon drowned out by the pulsating roar of blood in my ears and before I know it oblivion takes me.

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 06-07-2002).)

First of all, this is way too short to make an actual critique of it.. Write more! And now for the quibbles.

Quote

I can barely enunciate,

Speak is a much better choice of words here, enunciate is too cumbersome. When choosing between two words that have the exact same meaning, always choose the simple one. And don't be afraid to use 'said' ( or in your case, 'say' or 'says') more. It's the best choice for dialogue, and when you use it you don't get paragraphs such as:

"Didn't you read the instructions?" The professor reprimanded.

"No!" I ejaculated.

Now, that's taking it to a very big extreme (I hope you would never use ejaculate in dialogue), but you can still learn a bit from it.

Quote

a long thin nose framed by clear hazel eyes framed by perfectly arched, brown eyebrows.

Okay, 'framed by' really isn't the right chiooce of words here. It gives the impression that either a) she has really big eyes and the oddest eyebrows anyone has ever seen, or the author has no clue how to describe a woman's face. Sorry. I suggest finding a different way to describe her face; maybe Andiyar can help me out when he wakes up?

Well, all in all an interesting chronicle, just too short for this story to have a meaning or effect.

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"... For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause..." - Willaim Shakespeare, Hamlet

I just can't help but wonder if this story was based on a personal experience. jk
Nicely written.

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Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Thank you both for your comments.

Quite right, it is a rather short introduction. Next time I post a chronicle I will wait until I have more to say.

Since we're quibbling, Celchu, the words "enunciate" and "speak" do not mean the exact same thing. I can speak with crackers in my mouth, but I'll be damned if I can enunciate very well. However, point taken re: cumbersome. Thanks for the run-down on basic dialogue. You'll notice that everyone in my short-short "says" or "asks" everything. No ejaculations to be seen.

Yes, the choice of the word "framed" bothered me, too. I sort of wish you had a list of handy suggestions to replace that one. Perhaps others can help out there.

At any rate, thanks again for the critique. I will certainly write more. And Spitfire, as far as whether Untitled is based on personal experience or not... you'll have to wait to see my photo in the game to decide.

Cheers both.

(This message has been edited by Lungfish (edited 06-08-2002).)

Quote

Originally posted by Lungfish:
snip!

I know you don't have any ejaculations, it's just an exaggeration. The "reply"s could stand to be reduced, though. On a different note, I came up with a example in the face description. Just an example, not a reccomendation or anything; keep that in mind.

The speaker comes into my sight, and I am treated to the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

My God. Her skin is perfectly tanned, and her bright hazel eyes send me into shock. Her long nose seems to be straight from a statue of Aphrodite, and I imagine that her oval face skips the middle man and is directly from the goddess. She sees me staring, and one of her brown eyebrows arches just so. I feel blood rushing to my face and ears, and her mouth twists in subtle smile, just enough to remain aloof while still sparking hope in me. My God. Definitely Eleventh Arrondisement.

Cheers!

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"... For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause..." - Willaim Shakespeare, Hamlet

(This message has been edited by Celchu (edited 06-08-2002).)

"Thanks, Celchu," I replied.

Well the only thing that comes to mind is: very flowing style. I like it. Informal, and nicely done. It keeps you engrossed.

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The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42.

Thank you, llegolas -- that means a lot to me.

Well, I've finally gotten around to writing up some comments. Sorry it's taken me so long, Lungfish. I've got exams next week, and so have a fair bit to get done at the moment.... anyway. On to some comments.

Firstly, positive. I like the style. A lot. As llegolas said, it just feels smooth, flows very well. You've integrated the dialogue well indeed, it feels quite natural in context. This is a very hard skill to achieve, but you make it seem quite easy. Well done for that.

But of course, there's always room for improvement. I'd like to see it a bit longer, of course, that goes without saying. And, as Celchu said, sometimes your choice of language seems a bit odd. But then, I'm probably the only person I know who speaks with an immensely diverse vocabulary quite often, so who am I to quibble about a word here or there?

Anyway Lungfish, nice effort! If you've any comments or questions for me, I'm available at andiyar@ihug.com.au, and I hope we'll see more of your work soon.

-Andiyar

P.S: But next time, a title. Unfortunately, the script won't let me change it from 'Untitled' to 'Help I'm Comatose and Can't Get Up,' so it's always good to put something in there.

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"Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"

Thanks, Andiyar! I appreciate your comments. Next time I will definitely wait until I have a piece with more substance before posting. And a title, of course. I'm thinking of something along the lines of "Son of Untitled".

At any rate, thanks again for the critique and best of luck on your upcoming exams!