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    • Coldstone Chronicles: The Fall of the Nervii: The Horizon Darkens

       Coldstone Chronicles
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      Here’s Part Two of the story, counting Stormclouds and The Gathering as Prologue and Part One. Enjoy!

      Part Two: The Horizon Darkens

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      Awesome. Great job!

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      When asked what his favorite bible verse was, Bill Clinton calmly responded. "John 16:3"
      "These things they have said because they know not the father nor me." -John 16:3

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      Quote

      Originally posted by spitfire:
      **Awesome. Great job!
      **

      Thanks spitfire! The rest of it is coming online, piece by piece. I figure that at this rate, you can read the conclusion sometime after the New Year.... 😁

      Of course, this means that there will be a lot of other people's chronicles to read as well, and that'll be just fine!

      -Andiyar

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      "Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"

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      Another nice job, Andiyar. And, since you won't post criticism on your own story, here goes...

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      Posted by Tarnćlion :
      Soon the pass would be blocked, and it was only a matter of weeks before Caesar was cut off from Gaul completely, and the threat of invasion removed until the next season.

      2 problems. You are using passive voice, which is great for describing disasters, but seems weak here. You also lapse into to present tense while describing future events. My solution:

      Quote

      Posted by Andiyar, rewritten by me:
      Heavy snowfalls would soon block the pass, cutting Caesar completely off from Gaul and removing the threat of invasion for the winter.

      Ohh! That was fun..

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      Andiyar's, again:
      He sighed. All his life he had believed that the Romans under Caesar had killed his family, his wife and daughters. And just a fortnight ago, Taryem had brought that belief crashing down around him. He now had nothing to believe in, nowhere to go.

      No complaints here. Just saying that I had been a bit skeptical about having Taryem be the murderer of Rothlin's family, at the time it seemed to me that that would be a very weak way of removing a viable sub-plot. But now that I see that you will focus more on Rothlin's disappiontment, it remains interesting. Good job! Now, I'm off to read part 4...

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      We tell stories of heroes to remind ourselves that we too can be great.
      Help Wanted! If you can do computer graphics and are interested in working on a fantasy /alternate reality Coldstone game, email me!
      This space for rent.

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