52nd century, Temropolis Station, near a planet called Algon. An alien of unknown origin and time, is being chased by two other aliens in heavy battle gear in a high security prison colony, clutching something in his arms*

"DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE!!!" yelling one of the gaurds while drawing his gun. He then fires a polarising blast at the fugitive...

The fugitive dodges left, behind a open doorway in front of him, the blast of the gun hitting the control panel to the door activating its security measures and closing it to a lock.

"Damn!" shouted the guard that fired the shot. He takes out his portable radio and shouts, "he's headed into the auxillary docking brigade! GET HIM!!!..."

The fugitive runs down the hall not knowing where he is going. He sees a shadow. He is cautious. The fugitve ducks behind a crate in the docking brigade. Four marvelous silver ships are docked in their bays, the fifth is missing. He see's the lurking shadow scurry beneath the first ship closest to himself. He puts down the package that he is grasping and picks up a piece of broken exhuast, that was meant for a recycling plant, gets up and runs underneath the ship after the shadowy figure before him. The figure turns around. The fugitive stops dead in his tracks and speaks frightenly, "Talcon?!" He drops the pipe.

CLANG...CLang...clang..cla.cla

The once shadowy figure, now confirmed as Talcon by the fugitive, speaks; "Jetski?! I...I...I thought you were dead."

"No man, I'm still much alive as you are! Those ****ers will never catch me! Now how do you suppose we get out of here?"

"The ships!"

"Great man! Lets go! You warm it up, I have to get something first..." Jetski runs off back to the crate to retreive his item he left there, places the item back into the safety of his own arms, then runs back to the ship.

"What the **** is that?", questions Talcon tapping into the primary controlls of the ship.

"It's none of your concern at the moment"

"Whatever then, man..."

WHOOOOOOOOOSH....BOOM!!! (The door to the brigade bursts open. Gaurds storm in.)

"THERE! THERE HE IS! GET HIM!" shouts the leading guard dressed in a heavilly black spiked armor uniform.

"****!", saying Jetski as he jumps into the ship, ta heavy door closes behind him. THUD! "Lets get this ship going already!" , he jumps into the captians chair. Talcon is to his right preparing the engines. "Why aren't the bloody doors opening!?!"

"I can't access the binary controls from here, I think I've been locked out!" exclaims Talcon.

The gaurds sworm around the ship, "GET OUT NOW OR DIE!!!"

Jetski wispers out to himself, "...never..." He punches some buttons on the controll pad lying before him.

Two large guns arise from each side of the ship. You could feel them charging up and hear the mechanical whining of the charge in the process. FFFEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW......... Blasts flame out from all guns towards the brigade doors in front of the ship, peircing through several soldiers' bodies and disentergrating the gaurds' bodies instantly.

BOOOOMMM...CHI-KAI!!! The doors burst open due to the force of the blast from the high-energy blasters on the ship. While most of the gaurds are being sucked out into the dark abyss of space, some manage to hold onto the safety rails behind the ship.

"Let's get the **** out of here!" yelling Jetski at Talcon.

"Yes sir...!" Talcon's face then smirks at the carnage.

Talcon then engages the engines at full blast. The gaurds clinging onto the safety rail behind the jets are now gone. The shuttle blasts out of its port into space leaving behind a very damaged brigade and a now burning space prison colony, which beautifully lights up the space abyss around the space shuttle in a very lovely manner. Jetski pulls out a a small, poorly manufatured remote from one of his ammo pockets and flips a small switch on the remote.

BOOM The space prison is gone...
Korendil wrote:
Loud Crackle of energy as time/space is torn open as the portal appears
"Now why did you have to go and do that?", asks Talcon.

"...Didn't like the color of my cell there." Jetski explains. "What the hell is that?"

"Dunno man, but what ever it is, we are being drawn directly back into that space station you just exploded!"

...they disapear into the portal

...they disapear into time, not knowing where or when they will appear next, but hoping that they are alive when they do...

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 07-21-2003).)

Had to edit out a couple of lines, what with the kiddies frequenting the boards and whatnot.

As for the story, it's certainly creative, but there are several syntax errors that made it annoying to read. The story itself was fine, but it would have been nice to get a bit of a story behind what the hell was going on.

Edit: Also, what the hell does the title have to do with the story?

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(This message has been edited by EVula (edited 07-21-2003).)

This was written quite like a script. Anyway, there were a lot of grammatical errors in this story. Here are a few that you need to work on:

Quote

An alien of unknown origin and time, is being chased by two other aliens in heavy battle gear

How does an alien have a "time"? Just help me out there for not understanding. Also, this (as well as most of the story) could use a lot more description. For instance, what does this "alien" look like? What do the other aliens look like, how did the prisoner escape his cell, and what kind of aliens are the guards?

I noticed you've mentioned several times a docking brigade. Do by chance you mean docking bay? Because brigade can't be used like that. It means, to be very simply put, a group of people, not a room.

Quote

The fugitive runs down the hall not knowing where he is going. He sees a shadow. He is cautious. The fugitve ducks behind a crate in the docking brigade. Four marvelous silver ships are docked in their bays, the fifth is missing. He see's the lurking shadow scurry beneath the first ship closest to himself. He puts down the package that he is grasping and picks up a piece of broken exhuast, that was meant for a recycling plant, gets up and runs underneath the ship after the shadowy figure before him. The figure turns around. The fugitive stops dead in his tracks and speaks frightenly, "Talcon?!" He drops the pipe.

This paragraph represents the poor style of writing. Your sentences don't flow at all, and could be combined to make longer, more graceful sentences. These sentences just say one action the fugitive does, and ends up sounding something like this: "He did this. He is that. He does this. He does that. He is this. It does that. They are this. It is that. They did this. He does that. etc... etc..."
As you can see, that way of writing can be quite boring, not to mention annoying and aggravating.

Quote

**...they disapear into the portal

...they disapear into time, not knowing where or when they will appear next, but hoping that they are alive when they do...**

Again, the separate sentences aren't needed. You also need to switch words around, by using synonyms. A good example would be: "They vanish into the portal, disappearing from time--"

Another thing about this. Watch your spelling very carefully. It infuriates me when someone hasn't even taken the time or thought to correctly spell their words. (Use Spell-Check whenever possible)
Your grammar is rather appalling. I think it would be a good idea to read over your story after you've written it. Or, what's even better, have a friend or someone you know check it. They're more likely to catch problems. And tell them to be honest-- Your reputation here is on the line.

I think that you show great promise in writing, if you take more time checking it. Know that these comments are not meant to hurt your feelings or your ego, but are solely meant to help you become a better writer. If you really take in what everyone says, you'll really get better. Believe me, it's happened to me! Practice never hurts. Keep posting here with further installments, and we'll be here to help you!

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Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.

It was a decent story. You could be coming up with something.

My notes: Space and EVula caught most of it, but one thing that bugged me was the constant use of noises. Instead of telling us,"THUD," tell us, "The large, resounding thud." The way you did it is just a little plain.

EVula: You're slackin' again.

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Man have pity on man

(This message has been edited by Jas86 (edited 07-22-2003).)

Yeah, everyone else summed it up.

(/wasted post)

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(This message has been edited by Rawzer (edited 07-22-2003).)

(quote)Originally posted by Jas86:
**EVula: You're slackin' again.;)

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Jetski???

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Hey, this reminds me of an old comic book or animated short- lots of action and sounds... I can practically see each frame of the comic, complete with narrative boxes, but maybe I have an overactive imagination ;).

It's not bad, actually, it's a quick read and the flow matches the action of the story.

The sound effects seem to detract a bit from the story... I guess it's because the sounds are spelled out. It takes a little more effort for the reader to translate "CLANG...CLang...clang..cla.cla" into the "fading echo in the dark corridor", which is why it doesn't parse as well. Then again, I thought it was great because it didn't parse consistently- the clanging really draws your attention to out of the text and onto the isolated echo.

Often, though, in general writing, a descriptive sentence beats out a written sound. Still, I thought it was kinda neat, as it reminded me of old comics. Depending on what you were aiming for, this can be a good or bad thing... Old comics tended to be a bit on the simplistic side, with little depth, but great action. Black and white, with few shades of gray.

This might make a good comic because, in my opinion, accompanying visuals would enhance your story-telling style. As a short story, however, it needs some work. It relies heavily on dialogue (a good thing for comics), but in a pure written medium, trying to flesh out the setting from spoken text and sparse descriptions is very difficult, and often generates only a vague idea of the setting for the reader. Plot-wise, it's a little thin, but perhaps there is more of the story arc coming in a future submission?

A few last comments: there were a couple slightly confusing things- "An alien of unknown origin and time" (how can an alien come from an unknown time?) might be better being described as "mysterious alien with unknown motives"?

Also, what is the line "Korendil wrote" for? I didn't understand that.

Spell-checking can greatly improve presentation, just so you know ;).

And I'm not an expert: this is only my opinion. It's great you posted this here, that takes some guts to expose yourself to feedback and (hopefully) constructive criticism. Keep on writing!

EDIT- Corrected bad grammar.

(This message has been edited by Astyanax (edited 07-25-2003).)