Dani and Tekel Plot, First Paragraph

I was thinking the other day about the other Auroran houses, and how in Nova's stock storylines you're only really introduced to the Moash and Herran houses. I got an idea for a plug-in focusing on the Dani and Tekel houses, and typed out an intro real quick. The plug itself will be mostly plot-centered, maybe a few outfits or a ship but nothing major. I'm thinking of adding a branch letting the player become a houseless warrior, but I'll have to see about that when I come to it. Anyway, here's the beginning of the storyline, available in the bar somewhere (still have to figure it out) in either Dani or Tekel space. I'd appreciate any feedback you have, from critiques of the scenario to spelling corrections. Thanks!

You’re sitting in a relatively quiet corner of the spaceport bar trying to unwind with a cheap local drink that smells not unlike your ships’ cooling station when two Tekel family warriors enter the bar. Obviously returning victorious from a fight, the shorter of the two begins to recount the battle to several newly initiated warriors while his friend prepares his tattoo laser. “The poor bastards never saw it coming, eh Kar?” says the former. “One minute, they think they’re all set taking our secrets back to their pitiful excuse for a station, and the next thing you know – bam! Chaingun fire for the lot of the – ah!” You can hear the laser sizzling and the smell of burning flesh. The boastful warrior’s companion continues: “Sit tight, Tojik, you can tell them the rest while you do mine.” His friend grimaces but sits out the ordeal, and then takes the stylus from the other man. “As I was saying,” he resumes as the other grits his teeth, “the Dani weasels were trying to slip back to their station before they figured we’d notice, but Karral and I took care of ‘em. Won’t be trying another stunt like that for a while!”
You sigh at the rash young warrior’s brazen attitude, and roll your eyes, but your attention is drawn away from the two warriors as you see a Dani veteran crossing the barroom floor. Though she is probably no more than thirty, she seems much older, her tattooed and sinuous neck marking as a forced to be reckoned with despite the civilian attire. It is impossible to miss the proud anger in her furrowed brow as she makes her way across the bar. You start to get up from your seat, not wanting to get caught up in a brawl, but as you do so, the imposing warrior casts a look in your direction. Frozen by an inescapable sense of presence, you find yourself pinned to your chair, overwhelmed with shame. When you look up, the warrior has already confronted the young Tekels. You gather that there are five or six of them all told, but the older woman’s voice has silenced them all.
“You are all without honor,” she seems to spit, “and have forever botched the name of your house. You have attacked what you knew was a simple trade caravan, and now you have dared to turn your treachery and cowardice into courage. Do not think that your wretchedness will go unnoticed or unpunished.”
The Tekels spring to their feet, but Karral holds them back with a wave of his hand. Slowly rising, he addresses the Dani warrior with a collected self-confidence that you cannot help but think admirable.
“So says you and the treacherous House you stand for. Those ships were engaged in cowardly espionage, and your attempt to smear our reputation is more despicable than the crimes you accuse us of.” The air remains static for a moment, the tension palpable. Before you have time to realized that the usually challenge to an honorable dual was foregone, a fist whizzes past your head, and you turn to see a fist fight erupting across the bar. Through the Tekel supporters far outnumber those Dani that have gathered to support their house, their spirited leader seems to be commanding the chaotic brawl with stupendous finesse. You whirl around, poised and ready for whatever may come when you find yourself face to face with Tojik, the tall, brazen Tekel who had been the start of all this. Your eyes lock, and it occurs to you that with a nod of your head or a quick blow to his, you could turn the tide of this battle.

Help the Dani – Help the Tekel

very good. this has possibilities. its not as ambitious as allthe other TCs that are/may become vapourware, as it would only have to consist of some missions. It would be nice for some more in-nova storylines. what about the vella? housless? dechtakars(SP?)?

@card_cheat, on May 10 2006, 10:11 PM, said in Storyline Idea:

You’re sitting in a relatively quiet corner of the spaceport bar trying to unwind with a cheap local drink that smells not unlike your ships' cooling station when two Tekel family warriors enter the bar.

Should be "ship's", unless the player has more than one. (Hmm, that gives me an idea...)

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“The poor bastards never saw it coming, eh Kar?” says the former.

Doesn't seem very honorable, for someone supposedly boasting about his honor.

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“You are all without honor,” she seems to spit, “and have forever botched the name of your house.

I don't think a name can be botched. Sullied, perhaps, or tarnished would fit better.

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Do not think that your wretchedness will go unnoticed or unpunished.

"Wretchedness" lacks force and seems out of character. Perhaps omit both "your" and "wretchedness" entirely, or replace "wretchedness" with "actions".

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“So says you and the treacherous House you stand for.

Should be "say".

The passage is somewhat longer, I think, than should be squeezed into a single dësc, and there are several places where superfluous words, phrases, and even sentences can be eliminated or recast to convey the same meaning more quickly and powerfully.

The Dani and Tekel houses are really in need of focus, and I think you made a great start to more focus on them. However, the one house that really needs more attention, because it is so ignored I think you actually forgot to include it here, is the Vella. They are not involved, or, I think, ever even mentioned in any of the storylines. They are certainly not somewhere you need to go through or be involved with in any storyline except the Vell-os (with the -os, not the a), in which case you have to pass through.
I don't think that the Vella and Vell-os names are unrelated, though their people and culture may be... but that is for Speculation (maybe it's something obvious), not here.
Anyway, include them!
That "!" was meant as an emphasized suggestion, not a demand. I'm not going to demand anything until I actually so anything...

By the way, welcome to the boards. Have fun!

Thanks for the criticism, Qaanol! I just typed that up pretty quick, didn't get to proofread, so typos were bound to happen. As for the length - well, I'm not really used to writing for Nova dëscs, so I guess I'll have to trim it down.

I specifically didn't want to do a storyline about the Vella because I figured that the stock Auroran storyline already has you duking it out with the Moash house. The Dani and Tekel relationship offers a fresh look at so many more things; the Dani are hostile towards the Heraan house (which can do no wrong, according to the stock scenario), the Houseless (which isn't really all that special, but they do share a border), and the Tekel. I guess the federation doesn't really count. The Tekel are hostile towards the Dani, the Houseless, and - most interestingly, perhaps - the Polaris. That's why I chose them to write about.

Maybe I'll end up just making it a short story instead of a plug-in, first, to see where it ends up. That's more amenable to my writing style, anyway. Thanks for the feedback, guys.

I think the situation with the Houseless is that neither the Tekel nor the Dani is really willing to take responsibility, and the Houseless aren't enough of a threat that either sees an immediate need to do anything about it.

I never thought about that much, though, the Tekel are in a very interesting position in the galaxy. Good luck with your plug-in, from the writing you've posted so far, it's looking very promising.

This post has been edited by Mispeled : 13 May 2006 - 10:08 PM

You mentioned about the Moash being mentioned before, but they haven't really had a true dominant thread of their own. It be an idea plug-in as well, which puts the player in aiding the Moash to help acheive a Moashi Empire by helping to extinguish all other rival houses in the same manner that was similarly found in both the Fed and Vell-os thread.

@coraxus, on May 15 2006, 12:02 AM, said in Storyline Idea:

You mentioned about the Moash being mentioned before, but they haven't really had a true dominant thread of their own. It be an idea plug-in as well, which puts the player in aiding the Moash to help acheive a Moashi Empire by helping to extinguish all other rival houses in the same manner that was similarly found in both the Fed and Vell-os thread.

It could have a defection to the Vella house ala Bureau to Rebellion, which would be good, I think, if you want to involve the Vella.